Dear Mr Heartbreaker,
Clue one: The Party
I still remember the night I knew something had changed in you. We attended a party together. I was chatting to a group of people when I looked over and saw you talking to a woman we both knew. I considered her an acquaintance and had never given her a second thought but there was just something in the way you were looking at each other. It was like a lightening bolt went right through me and I just knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t mention it to you but I kept it in the back of my brain, just in case.
Clue two: The phone calls
A couple of months later, the thought crept up again when we were on a road trip. You asked me to make a phone call from your mobile and I saw her name in your recent calls-over 5 calls had been made between the two of you. Again, I said nothing. I felt sick about it but hey, you were allowed to have female friends! Perhaps it was all in my head, there really wasn’t any evidence except for my intuition.
Clue three: The deleted texts
Weeks later, you were out drinking and refusing to come home until you were properly wasted. When you were passed out on the couch, I went through your phone #psycho and i saw it. 2 deleted messages to her sent after midnight. This woman had a partner-what were you doing calling her at that hour? It was not a fun morning for you. I yelled and I’m fairly certain I threw my shoe at you. You were so mad at me for touching your phone. I cried. Eventually, you apologised and gave me some explanation. My revenge was ordering extra chilli with your Pad Thai. I also poured out the milk so you had nothing to soothe your ulcerated tongue. Still single if you’re interested, fellas!
Clue four: The dinner
Like the deranged masochist I WAS, I decided to befriend this woman. Lez be honest-what kind of person would sleep with my man if she was my friend? #KeepEnemiesClose. I went for dinner with her to clear up any doubts in my mind. Like you, this girl could talk to a brick wall. When I mentioned you in a passing comment. Her eyes lit up. “Can you imagine if he and I were dating? We’d be fighting to get a word in!” She giggled. I stabbed her with the laser beams in my eyes and told her I really liked the mole on her neck. It was actually a pimple. #maturity.
Clue five: The photos
I kept going through your phone, obviously. You went away with friends and Miss Unfaithful. You forgot that your iPad photos were connected to your iPhone. Silly bugger. I was kept up to date with the fun the two of you were having through pictures and videos. Nothing too incriminating but enough to give me the nervous wee bum my body reserves for very stressful situations.
Clue six: The denial
The next time we saw each other, I really let loose. Many tears. Much jealousy. I was starting to lose it. You told me I was crazy, why didn’t I trust you? You would never, could never, hurt me. Still, I kept her close, attending drinks and dinners with her, trying to sus her out. You also continued to party with Miss Unfaithful without me being there. I tried to be calm, tried to let it go. Most of the time, I was able to pretend. Except for the hives I broke out in whenever her name was mentioned and the probable stomach ulcers I developed from trying to control my inner crazy.
Clue seven: The kiss
We were all out one night, I was flying high on champagne and fake confidence. Miss Unfaithful came up behind me, grabbed my head and kissed me on the lips! Now, I’m all for freedom of sexuality but, I wasn’t into it. I pulled away in time to see her give you a cheeky look. Oh great! Now I was a pawn in your disgusting affair. At least buy me a drink next time guys!
Clue eight: The friends
By now, I was 80% convinced of an affair between the two of you. I had officially crossed over into cray cray lady territory. I would study your facial expressions when her name was mentioned, regularly check your phone and find exactly what I was looking for. I continued my friendship with Miss Unfaithful but it wasn’t long before I had a rich-white-girl nervous breakdown. The kind that only happens when you’re three rosés deep and your female soulmates ask you how your relationship is going. My ugly crying face finally reared it’s head and for the first time in a long time, I told my best friends the truth. “He…doesnt…love..me…any…more…and..I..think..he…is…sleeping…with…that…trollop!” Thing is, once you tell your girls the truth about your relationship, there ain’t no going back!
Clue nine: The trip
You went on another trip with Miss Unfaithful. I was beside myself and was on the verge of taking a big handful of valium and sleeping the next two days away. But then…I heard it. My feminist female ancestors turning over in their graves. I had let myself become a victim. I knew what was going on between the two of you! After over a year of denial, I decided to trust myself. My gut, my waters, intuition, whatever you want to call it, I trusted it. When you returned home, I confronted you. You denied, lied, cried, yelled and shut down. I packed my things and left you. Of course there was the 1% of my heart that wanted to believe you but it didn’t even matter anymore. I believed you had cheated and therefore, it was true.
Clue Ten: The truth
Months later, you told me the truth. I had been right all along. Besides wasting a lot of mascara and developing a nervous twitch in my left eye, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve always done things the hard way-at least now I know I can trust myself.
Where there is smoke, there is fire-even if you’re the only one who can see it.
Liv still loveless